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Night Life 02-17-2009 11:32 PM

How to deal loosing a loved one
Sorry for the somber title but my Father just passed away over the weekend and I,m not sure how to feel or deal with what happened. It was not expected but he was in some discomfort and pain weeks before his passing.

I was extremely upset at first news and then I went numb, now I don't know how or what to feel about it. It seems like I should be grieving more than I am. I find myself crying at the silliest things and nothing during prayers and such.

It's not that I didn't love my Father we had a great relationship.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Pete04222 02-18-2009 12:50 AM

I'm sorry for your loss. I do know how you feel. We are getting to the age where the people that were always there for us are suddenly gone. It is something you can never be prepared for. There will come a day when you are left being the oldest one in your family. God willing. It sounds like you were a good son to him, a son he was proud of. I guess you just need to let him live on through you.I've lost many family members but I still have my parents. This last time while I was at work my father had a stroke while I was on the other side of the world. What a feeling of helplessness. He's OK for now but it really brings home the point that I could receive a call in the middle of the night off the coast of some foreign land on the other side of the globe saying the worst and knowing it will take me 2 days to get home.Still, I spend a lot of time with my father and he knows I'm doing what I've got to do. Just like he did what he had to do when he was raising me. I think he's proud of me and satisfied that he gave me the upbringing and support I needed to carry on after he is gone. I'm sure your father felt the same about you.

t1fosI 02-18-2009 03:49 AM

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. It must be a very difficult time for you. As my fathers son I do know how you feel. I do not think that there is anything in life that really prepares us for the inevitability of this event. We all deal with grief in different ways, it does not matter, do that which helps you and remember you are not alone.

I hope that you will take courage and solace from the fact that you and he had a great relationship and remember that you are still his son and he your father. kindest regards


bugattitech 02-18-2009 04:59 AM

I am sorry for your loss. Everyone deals with losing a loved one differently. I dont believe there is a wrong way as long as your are dealing with your feelings. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Louis355 02-18-2009 11:32 AM

Very sorry for your loss. Take your time to give it a place. And remember the happy moments you spend together. He will be watching over you and your family. Warmest regards.

archiegibbs 02-18-2009 11:44 AM

Very sorry to hear your news, may I offer you my sincere condolences. Fortunately, both of my parents are still around, so i can only imagine how upset I would be if I were to lose either of them.
The only advice I can offer is to try and think about all of the good times and happy memories of your father whenever you are feeling a bit low. They say time is a great healer, but I don't suppose that is much consolation at the moment.
Very best wishes

Granucci 02-18-2009 04:46 PM

I am sorry for your loss and now, you sense of dealing with the future. That is one of the main things I felt. Just couldn't believe it happened, and, with the mother passing a few years earlier, it gave me a sense of end-game. Not trying to make you more down, just saying my mode. There is no one above me in that chain, so to speak.

My father passed much as you, I was visiting him one evening and by next morning was in ER with him, which is where he passed, in the OR.

One of the ways I dealt with it was a huge right of passage for me. I knew I was to give a eulogy at his service in front of all family friends and such, but didn't know how to wrap a man's life, especially one I was involved, in terms for all to understand. But I spent many a night up, and struggled with it into words over and over again. I straightened my understanding of life to the nth degree.

I consider it all a blessing.

I might enjoy you to try the same. It might well be some of the best words/works that pour from your mind...not to mention the love you can feel even deeper, and the universal truth of all the words that came before that once again might make interesting sense this time around.

I/We'll be thinking of you as I know how this can be. I've experienced death/passings a few, but not like the parents.

Keep us posted ok, would like to know how you are doing.

PS: I still have words with the father, and feelings felt of the mother...interesting how that happens.

rik n beaux

Saint Bastage 02-18-2009 04:53 PM

A hug for my buddy Roberto

I'm not sure what to say much less how to say it. Your query seems to suggest you are not experiencing the emotions you thought you would or should. Its not you, its not abnormal, and its not of concern. You have entered a process that will show you many twists and turns, some expected, others a total surprise. Its a physiological response to a highly emotional condition. You may experience a meltdown tommorrow, the next day, next week, month, year, or never at all.

Forget what you think is expected and remember those special moments you had with him. The fishing trip when you were 8, the first ball game, the manual transmission lessons, and the special wink when you both saw a magestic woman and didn't want Mom to know. He loved you, you loved him, and you'll party again someday.

Chrishawk4 02-18-2009 05:08 PM

I'm really sorry to hear about your father Roberto:bearhug:(the only hug smiley I could find) Last year I lost my grandfather. At the time of his passing I was holding his hand in his bedroom. I cried for a long time after that day over the silliest things and not so much the things you would expect. People deal with losses in different ways, and there is no wrong way to. You have your FL family behind ya:thumbsup:

Magnum6464 02-18-2009 08:12 PM


Originally Posted by Night Life (Post 88080)
Has anyone else experienced this?

Im sorry to hear about your loss Roberto…im 35 and lost my father in Dec 2002, he was 58. He wasn’t feeling well one day Dec 17th, he went to the hospital, stayed overnight and the next day they told us he had Cancer and had about 3 months to live. He died 3 days later on the 21st and we buried him on Christmas Eve. Im still not over it and it has changed me a lot, and I think for the worst. Im now very bitter about life, friends and the relationship with my wife as it’s been very dark between us the last few months but has been going slowly downhill for about 2 years or so.

To top it all off, my mother was diagnosed with Cancer 3 years ago and she is still fighting it and has gone through 38 Chemo treatments. I am an only child and finding it hard to deal with as well. I find myself crying for no reasons either, stupid things or shows I never would have in a million years but now, I don’t know. I recommend you seek professional help. I didn’t and should have…and then when I finally realized I should see a professional and did once, a month later I lost my job (last December). So basically, im doing really well…hehehehe!!!!!!

I have been planning so much in the last year on opening up a business which is going to be a gold mine…but now, the speed bump of losing my job kind of put things to a halt, but it’s not keeping me down. I just need to find financing to help me start once I get a job. I try to think of other things, projects, work (when I had a job) my daughters etc…I know my Dad would be proud as im sure he is of you, just don’t do what I did and wait too long because it doesn’t get better.

So yes, I have experienced it and still am…please talk to someone about it on top of friends and family. Only a professional can help, I suggest someone who specializes in crisis situation, as they also deal with losses.

Take care of yourself buddy….because the scars only get bigger if you don’t.



Tony K 02-21-2009 11:39 PM

Hi Roberto,

Sorry for the late reply -- I was offline for the past week and a half. Like the others, it saddens me to hear of your losing your father. I love both of my parents very much, and dread the day I will have to face what you are facing. But the sadder thing would be for a parent to have to bury his or her son or daughter.

I guess nothing can prepare one for the inevitable, but I have felt the numbness you speak of when my grandmother passed away (we were very close). I also felt at times like I should be sadder . . . but at the funeral I cried.

If it helps, my outlook on life and loss includes among other things this: Look at your life as a pie chart. Different people make up different slices of the pie, as do significant interests and activities. People you are closer to are big pieces, and people you are not so close to are thin slices. When you lose someone who is a big piece of pie, you need to adapt to fill that slice. Existing people's or activities' slices may grow to fill it, or new people/activities may fill it.

I think the reality will hit once you start to miss him. Hang in there, say your prayers, remember the big picture, enjoy your life, and always honor him.

Take care and God bless,

- Tony

Italian Lover 02-22-2009 01:57 AM

Roberto, first off, thank you for sharing your emotions and pains with us. I wish I was more eloquent with words to sooth your sorrow. Unfotunately, I don't have this talent. However, I can tell that your father was a lucky man to have a loving son like yourself. That fact alone should have made his life a fulfilling and meaningful one. Everything takes time, to come to grips with reality, to sooth one's grief and sorrow, and to accept. Just remember that you made your father proud and happy. Give yourself time. RIP. Jimmy

Night Life 02-23-2009 11:00 PM

Thank you all my F-life friends
All of your messages were comforting and inspiring and made me think of my life with my father I thank you all for that....:)

I am lucky enough to have such a large and loving family that it made his passing a little more tolerable. At his funeral is when I realized how many people my father touched, it was like the passing of a Don, the funeral included people such as our Mayor and well respected members of the community.....who knew????

I hope I am half the man my Father was. He immigrated here with my mother and 5 out of 6 kid's to make a better life for us at the age of 45...:yikes:
Not knowing a word of English and no job waiting for him he persevered and came through for the family. Due to his effort and hard work all of the children were given a chance at a better life and we all excelled in our profession.

I know for a fact that I would not be in a position financially that I am today if I was still living in Italy or own my own business, for this I am so grateful to him. The nice thing is that I was able to say thank you to him this past Christmas for being such a strong family man, I don't think I would have been able to do what he accomplished especially at the age of 45.

I know he was proud of me and loved to tell people (especially back home) that I owned a Ferrari, he was grinning from ear to ear the first time I pulled up with my Spider and all he could say was Now that's an Italian woman.

Basosz 02-25-2009 10:10 AM

I've been avoiding this topic like the plague since it's not my favorite subject, but today I got some bad news that forced me here. It may not be the same to some, but to me, my dog Puck is like family and she was diagnosed today with a tumor in her neck which is inoperable. The prognosis is that she has about 6 months to live and that's it. She will have to be put to sleep after that. It totally blows and sucks and I'm crying my eyes out.


Granucci 02-25-2009 10:52 AM

not to detract from Night's original sorrows, and not that loved ones cannot be pets, but I do feel your pain Bosasz...

My cat, learned to climb the fence one day, got ran over: RAGS, took a long time to get over that.


Basosz 02-25-2009 01:28 PM

3 Attachment(s)
It's a really painfull realisation... someone I love very dearly is going to die. You are totally right, I don't want to detract from Night's sorrow. It sucks to loose someone whether it be suddenly or expectantly like I'mdoing now. Everyone deals with grief in the same way. Right now I'm biting back tears again. I really love her and it kills me that I can't do anything about it.

She's really one of the cutest, beautifull and most energetic dogs I've ever met. She's absolutely awesome.

stile - alpine 02-25-2009 06:05 PM

Roberto, I'm very sorry to read this here.

So far I've been lucky and didn't lose anyone very close to me, so I can't tell what to do or how to feel. Just hang on, remember the good moments you had together and keep in mind that YOU have the chance to live and keep on doing all the great things your father did or started and couldn't finish.

If there's anything we can do to help, please let us know. I'm sure everyone here would like to help you get through this hard moment.

Night Life 02-25-2009 11:24 PM

2 Attachment(s)

Originally Posted by Basosz (Post 88540)
It's a really painfull realisation... someone I love very dearly is going to die. You are totally right, I don't want to detract from Night's sorrow. It sucks to loose someone whether it be suddenly or expectantly like I'mdoing now. Everyone deals with grief in the same way. Right now I'm biting back tears again. I really love her and it kills me that I can't do anything about it.

She's really one of the cutest, beautifull and most energetic dogs I've ever met. She's absolutely awesome.

Please feel free to post your sorrow for your family pet and more pix. Losing a loved one is hard no matter what. I had to put down our Life long German Shepard when he became to old and I swore I would never get another dog to avoid that pain of saying goodbye. But years later and I have another companion and thank God for her (Bella)she is nothing more that a small bundle of pure Love and has helped Me deal with my loss as well as other sorrows.

So please if anyone else has stories or would like to post their view please feel free to highjack...:o

Pete04222 02-26-2009 01:04 AM

OK, time to lighten this up. This is reminding me of comedian Ron White's routine. Check it out:

Night Life 02-27-2009 12:02 AM

Thanks Pete that was Uber funny...:D:D:D

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